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i against i

photo by Eric Chin
I’m slowly reclaiming my time back after a press on the Crossfit Games training. No, I didn’t make it to the games. Yes, I would have liked to. No, I have no regrets about anything I did.

I had a fun run at the extended training when I was named as an alternate. It was good to have a few more weeks to see more progress. It wasn’t enough time, but there was a noticeable difference from a few weeks ago. My body wasn’t as tired. I wasn’t as slow. What was heavy was getting lighter. I was able to string some muscle ups together and for some reason had a crazy itch to do 30 butterfly pull ups during my interval sets. That may not be astounding or reason for a look of shock and awe for some, but for me it was a nice kick in the pants that said “you’re back, now get to work.”

As part of my reclaimed time, I’ve done more reflection on the past few months. I understand where people were coming from when they said “you just had a baby, you’re doing great.” To me, I wasn’t. But yeah, I wasn’t too shabby either. Really. I believe it now. It wasn’t necessarily a trial of physical ability, but a trial of guts and heart. At some point, we have to realize that while we are playing at being adults, we have to make big people decisions. As a practicing adult, I have a lot of wants. Perhaps too many. I want to be good at everything – a Crossfitter, a service member, a professional, and a parent. AND I want that all to fit into a 24 hour schedule without going crazy and losing sleep.

It’s reasonable to say that sometimes I want the impossible. Instead of saying it is all crap, giving up, crying, stomping off in a fit, and throwing a tantrum, I do what practicing adults try to learn to do – I coped. I dealt with my schedule the best I could. I got sleep whenever I could. Sometimes I accepted that today was going to be a shit day in suck city. I survived. I improved. I learned.

I’m on my way to being in a better spot than before I was pregnant. I’m getting stronger and my skills are coming back. More importantly, I’ve learned how to fit crazy gym time training in with being a parent. I’ve learned that when push comes to no shit shove, my priority list is x,y,z. Priceless. I learned how to change mental directions at the drop of a dime. Just when I thought I was done, I wasn’t, back to it I went. I’ve learned that in my list of wants, I have to trim the fat. That means giving everything in what little time I’ve dedicated to an item on a never ending list of wants. There’s no room for half-assing, Johnny fuck around, or douchebaggery. I’ve been mentally stretched in every direction. I’m glad to have survived. I’m still letting everything steep and learning what I can. Not that I recommend burning the candle at both ends of a type-A personality. However, if you don’t kill yourself or burnout, what you learn is good stuff.
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